Java java java. (Off-Topic)

So I have been receiving some rather harsh criticism from people. Mostly in real life and not those that I meet over the interwebs, but whatever.

The criticism is that I am a coffee snob.

That I turn down my nose at some of the vile sludge that people call coffee these days.

Mostly, they say that I am too good for anything but Starbucks coffee. That I like my multi-named, confusing-to-say-with-out-practice drinks.

Well. I am here is set the story straight.

I. Am. Not. A. Coffee. Snob.

I just will not drink that vile sludge of coffee that is presented in some places.

But first. Lets run down some information on what coffee is. Coffee is grown in a plantation and consists of the roasted seeds of a berry. There is a varying amounts of differences between bean to bean. It depends of the roasting of the bean, and to where the bean was grown.

If the coffee plantation was near an orange plantation, then the beans will have a citrus tone. A cocoa plantation will give it a chocolaty flavor. Coffee beans have the tendency to act similar to tofu in that way.

Coffee beans will also take some of the flavor of the coffee tin that it has been stored in. It gives it a bitter metallic taste that overpowers its intended flavor. It usually takes time to develop, like the length of time the coffee takes to cross an ocean by ship to get to me.

The flavor of the coffee can stay for a very long time if the bean is in an airtight container and is unground,

What does that mean when it comes to me?

It means that I will not drink coffee if the beans are stored in a metal tin. Or if it has been pre-ground. Buying the beans bulk and grinding it at the grocery store is fine. Then it is up to me to drink the coffee. That does not make me a Starbucks only coffee slob who likes his Vente Americano’s.

That’s it. Two simple rules.

  1. Buy the coffee in the form of whole beans.
  2. Coffee must not be stored for an extended length in tins.

Well… There is a third. Don’t buy coffee from Tim Horton’s.

This is the real reason that I was criticized in the first place. I consider Tim Horton’s coffee bad coffee.

For those who don’t live in Canada. There is a coffee chain that goes from coast to coast. It has tried very hard in becoming as Canadian as the maple leaf or the Goose. It sells, donuts, pastries and sandwiches as well as coffee.

It, however, doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it a coffee shop to rival Starbucks and Blendz Coffee? Is it a sandwich place to rival McDonalds and Wendy’s? Or is it a donuts shop to rival Krispy Kreams and Dunkin Donuts?

Because it is trying to be all of these things, it can’t do anything well. It’s donuts selection is lackluster. It’s sandwiches are bland and uninviting. And it’s coffee is weak.

Like food colored water weak. It looks like my kids was painting and the coffee cup was his paint brush rinse cup. It tastes very similar.

A while back they had introduced a dark roast coffee giving you two choices in coffee. Regular and Dark. The dark wasn’t very dark. It still no flavor of it’s own and as soon as you put any amount of cream into it, it tasted like cream. If you were to translate it to Starbucks coffees, it would be a very blonde blonde roast.

And the ‘Dark’ roast is not much better. It barely makes it into the realm of a Starbucks Blonde roast.

People complained and now they rolled out a new and improved dark roast. Dark. This one is as dark as a nerdy kid playing Pokemon is considered cool by high school jocks. It is a light medium roast. Maybe. On a good day.

I bought a cup of it to say that I have had a cup and the flavor is still bland, no body to it at all. And it still has the Tim Horton’s tang that is a standard thing of Tim Horton’s coffee.

So that is the reason that I am considered a coffee snob. I won’t drink the vile watery piss that is called coffee by some Canadian guy named Tim.

Bah. I like coffee dark. Like my soul.

(By the way. I drink my coffee black. I don’t add sweetener.)

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